Chris

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I’d quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity


I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace


Lately I’ve been thinking
Maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I’ll say the same thing


I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won’t complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here


If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patience, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect’s the spirit world
And thinks with his heart


I am ready for love
If you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can


I am ready for love
Here with a offering of
My voice
My eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love


I am ready. . . .

Alright, so here comes another wonderful update in the life of me. Nothing really has happened since my last post, lol. Slightly un-fulfilling, I know.

Well, I did have my applications from the MidWest auditions sent back to me. The reason being that I did not have a nominator sign it, though the form words it in such a way that makes you think only students need to have a signature. Needless to say, that is not the case. I called the audition office and left them a message saying that I didn't think that I needed one, and that they should honor the date that they first received the application. They sort of ignored that part altogether when they finally got back to me.

They just told me that I did need a nominator, and proceeded to list off that it could be a professor, vocal teacher, and many other options that all still pointed to my being a student. I am not a freakin student. Some girl wrote me back and told me that it could be anyone who could attest to my abilities as a performer. So. . . .I am glad that, for all intents and purposes, I could just grab a random off the street and ask them to sign my application, and they would never know the difference. It's not like they ask for any information on the person except for their name. BLAH!

Of course, they were kind enough to mention that I could still send my application in once I have the signature. One small detail. It had to be postmarked by Dec. 9th, and when did the people wait to get back in touch with me? Uhhhh, yeah. . . .today, the 9th. What the hell!! They also told me that I could send in my application late, for an additional $25. Don't really see that happening anytime soon. Ruth didn't get hers signed either because of the way that they worded it, though she has yet to get hers sent back. She did send hers in later than me, but I hope she lucks out, and they accept it. . . the bitches.

Anyway, now that my rant is out of the way, life is somewhat more pleasant. Work is going well. I met the Regional Supervisor on Tuesday, Susan. She was adorable, and very friendly. She complimented me on reorganizing the whole back stock-room by myself, and asked me what I liked about working at Bath and Body Works. I don't remember everything that I said, but Tana told me that Darla and Susan were both impressed with my answers, so that's good. I am hoping to move up in the store fairly quickly, though I am also making sure that I can transfer stores if I have to in the future.

Ummmmm, I really think that that is about it. Hope you all enjoyed.

fin.

Okay, so once again it has been quite a awhile since I last updated. Really, there hasn't been that much going on with life, but hey, that's Owensboro for ya.

My run in Forum has come to a close, which is kind of sad because there are a lot of people that I will miss. Plus, it just feels good to be taking part in a show. That is the feeling that I thrive off of, and I don't get to experience that very often here.

All in all, I think that it went very well. There were some setbacks, of course. Something that I have come to expect when doing a show with Theatre Workshop. The audience members were all very nice when coming to greet us after the show. A lot of them wished me luck in my ventures up in the big NYC, so it is nice to know that people read what we all put in the program.

I didn't get all that much time to recoup after the show though. I started working at Bath and Body Works directly after. The manager said that I would be given about 4 hours a week starting out, and yes, the first week was very true to her word. After that though, things got a little different. So far my week hours have been 29, 32, and finally slowing down with 18. Still, I am getting more hours than any other holiday employee there. Hopefully that means that they are planning to keep me on for their Jan sale and, after that, for good. Who knows, though I certainly wouldn't complain. It is a great place to work and I love all the girls that are there.

I finally got all of my audition applications filled out and sent off. Now I just have to wait around and see if I was lucky enough to get one of the spots. People say that they fill up very quickly. My best friend, Ruth, was getting on my case for not having them sent out already, but the bia hasn't even sent off two of hers yet. I think that it is my turn to start reprimanding, lol.

I miss her so much. I miss everyone in the cast. They were all so much fun to hang out with. There are actually times when I miss Josh too, go figure. haha But, of course, I miss Ruth the most. I just went up to Bloomington to see her show. . . .Chicks With Dicks. I know, I know. I swear that it's not a porn, strip club, or anything like that. It was actually a really funny show, though I had a hard time laughing out loud just because the audience was a little more settled than I assume the others had been. I definitely had a blast seeing her and hanging out with her again. She took me to Scottie's, the bar that she works at. I would love to work at a place like that I think. It just had a really good atmosphere.

Moving on. . . . .

A really nice thing happened to me recently. I started talking to Jason again. Well, not that we didn't talk before, it was just very sporadic and short conversations. We have started to have really nice, long ones again though. It's nice to have a decent conversation with someone again. I feel that there are not many people here in town that I can do that with.

A little back story on the whole Jason thing. He was the roommate of a guy that I had talked to in high school. Jason and I had spoken to each other on-line once or twice while I was still talking to Gavin, and things did not go so well. For some reason, we butted heads like you can't even imagine. It's silly to think back on that now, because I don't think that I could have found a guy that is nicer or more charming than Jason.

He is definitely one of the only things that puts me in a good mood anymore. I have been really down in the dumps of late, and I think that a lot of it stems from the fact that I have been single for going on three years now. Of course, I don't really see anything like that happening between Jason and I, as much as I would really like it to. We had actually talked a lot about it in the past, and things were going well between us. . . .there was just too much of a distance.

Of course, even though we are talking again, and not really all that seriously mind you, the distance is still there. That, and I think that our plans for our separate futures put us in two different places. It is incredibly disappointing to know that there is someone out there you have fallen for, and there really isn't anything you can do to make things work, but I suppose that is just one of life's many trials. I try to keep in the back of my mind, the whole concept of "if we are meant to be together, it will happen," though a part of me gave up on that long ago. Not with him, just with guys in general.

Jason. . . you are a really great guy, and I know that only good things are going to happen for you. I just hope that you know how deep of an impact you have made on me. I care for you a lot, and I think that you will always have a place in my heart. Haha, I know that sounds kind of silly, but it's true. You are special, and don't you ever let anyone tell you differently. . . .especially yourself.

Take care kid!

fin.

Well, it would seem that it is once again time to put a little effort into this whole journal thing. I don't really know what there is to write though, not too much happens to me these days. I do have a job interview tomorrow, so that is somewhat exciting. Wish me luck everyone.

Other than that, play rehearsal takes up the majority of my time. I think that it is coming along fairly well. I still cannot say whether it will be what I am expecting though. Hopefully it will all turn out well.

Hmmm, that seems to be about all that I have for right now.

fin.

are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
are you still mad I compared you to all
my forty year old male friends?
are you still mad I shared our problems
with everybody?

are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
are you still mad I tried to mold you into
who I wanted you to be?
are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
of course you are
of course you are

are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
are you still mad that I had one foot out of the door?
are you still mad that we slept together even after
we had ended it?
of course you are
of course you are

are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
are you still mad that I seemed to focus
only on your potential?
are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
of course you are
of course you are

So, I have fallen into one of my depressed moods tonight. I don't really know what brought it on. . . I never really know. Tonight got really bad though. I ended up sitting in front of my computer and crying for about two hours. I had the "Sad Songs" playlist on and some songs started playing that took me back to the beginning of my sophomore year in college. Things were so strange back then, but in a good way.

Every time that I start to think of Sean, or when I was with him, everything gets really tight in my chest. It feels so bad, that I don't even know what to do with myself. He has been popping into my thoughts more and more the past few days. I really hate it when the memory of him has a resurgence. Not that it is anything bad against him at all. I still carry very deep feelings for him. Its just, every time I think that things have finally faded into the background, it has to flare up again and remind me that its not truly gone, just. . .temporarily held at bay.

I miss him so much. I don't really even think he knows how much. I mean, sure, I have said the occasional "I miss you." Though it is usually in the form of some drunken phone call at lord knows what time in the morning. That certainly doesn't give off the greatest impression, or convey my true feelings.

I messed up. . . .so much. . .when I was with him. I was so stupid about things. I tried so hard to, I guess, push him down a path that I thought was right, that I ended up just pushing him away altogether. I have never been able to live that down either. He really has been the only great thing that has come into my life; the only person I have truly loved with all my heart.

And now, every guy that comes after him has to live up to what I saw in Sean. Its not fair that they have to do that, but there is always that voice in the back of my head that says "he's great, but not as great as Sean was."

I am sure that I sound like some stupid idiot. Especially to any of you that knew me back then, and how long ago all of this was. I mean, I don't know how long it takes others to move past the loss of someone special, but it never seems to take this long.

Sean, I am sure that you will end up reading this at some point, so I want to say that I am sorry for all of this. For everything that I did back then. All the hard times that I put you through. I am sorry that I have posted all of this out for people to see, but I think I just need to get things out into the open, instead of walking around with it all the time. I really do miss you. . . a lot. You meant more to me than you may realize.

I have never given up the hope that someday, down the road, we may meet up again. Start over, become friends, and maybe see if there is any possibility of something between us again. Foolish? Maybe.

But right now, it's all I have. . . . .


fin.

Okay, so a little update about the happenings of my life. Sadly, there isn't too much to tell. I had my actual last day of doing shows at Holiday World last weekend. I thought that I might get a little emotional, but in actuality I only had one close call. During "Silly Love Songs" in the Pop Show, Ruth gave me this sad, "this is the last time" look and I almost got a little teary.

I guess it wasn't as bad because I know that I am going to be working with Ruth again sometime in the future. We are both looking to get on some cruise ships and both have plans to move up to NYC. I have really good feelings about the two of us. I know that we are going to be good friends for the longest of time, and we are both going to make it BIG!

I finally got a call from Old Tuscon Studios the other day. . . .after about three weeks of not hearing anything from them. The man that I spoke to said that they were already finished hiring for the Halloween show, which I already knew. He did say that they were still considering me for a position in their Christmas Show, and proceeded to ask my some scheduling questions. I am glad that there still seem to be some options with them, but I am not really sure how keen I am on moving out there and working with them. I have always thought that they were a tad shady. Josh from HW talked to Ruth and said that he got the same vibe, and he is even working out there with them.

I also found out that the man I have been speaking with at Norwegian only handles the casting for the smaller ships. WHAT?! Blah, I want to be on one of the bigger ones. I know, people always say that size doen't matter, lol. But with this, you get paid more if you are on the bigger ones. Not to mention you get more exposure. So, Ruth's friend that works on one of the bigger ships is supposed to be getting us some info about who to contact. Why they have separate casting directors, I will never understand. I don't guess that I am going to rule out the smaller ships. They have expressed an interest in me, and who am I to turn down a paycheck?

I auditioned for the musical that TWO is doing here in town and got cast as the romantic lead. I kind of wish that I could branch off and try my hand at something a little different than what I am used to, but I am happy with the role. Hero definitely has the prettiest songs in the show, and ballads seem to be my thing. Oh, we are doing "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" for those of you who did not know. We have had three rehearsals so far, but that has been enough to show me that the music director they got, in fact, knows nothing about music. Go figure. I think I am just going to do my usual thing and learn all my stuff outside of rehearsal and not rely on his "expertise."

Its sad though, because so many people that are in the cast cannot sing. . . or have minimal talent. But I suppose you work with what you can get here in Owensboro. The only thing is, there were some really good people that auditioned or had expressed an interest in being in the show, that the director did not cast. Why not, you may ask. Well, the last show that he directed, "Lucky Stiff," had about a million setbacks. The main one being that he cast his wife as the female lead. Believe me, I have nothing against her at all, she is a blast to hang out with, but she was just not right for the role in that show.

Needless to say, many people were not happy. No one in the cast had it out for her at all, they just did not want to see the director sacrifice the good of the show for his wife's shot at the spotlight. Well, though we confronted him about our opinions of the situation, nothing was ever done about it. The only outcome was that the director vowed not to cast anyone who was at the head of the "rebellion" in a show he directed again. And he certainly stuck to his guns with this one. Only downside is that we lost the chance at a lot of talent. I am not worried about it though. All I have to do is my best. People will be able to see who in the show is good, and who is not. In the end, the director is the only one who will be suffering the backlash and criticism.

Anyway. . . . wow. . .I wrote a lot more than I had planned to. I guess I had a lot to get out of my system. Well, hope everyone had a good read. I certainly had a good write.

fin.

Okay, so I have written poetry for as long as I can remember. Starting out with the typical rhyming poems that all little kids write, and then moving on to actually trying to put some meaning behind them. Eventually most move away from the whole rhyme scheme, though don't get me wrong, I love me some rhymes, lol.

I always thought that my poetry was okay, though nothing special. I don't really think that I have lived enough of life. I don't have enough emotions that I can delve into and draw from. That is why most of my poetry is about the same topic. I know that you can write about anything that you want. Pretty much any topic would make good subject matter for a poem.

So, I think that I am gonna post some of my poetry and prose on here and let you all tell me what you think. There is nothing wrong with a little criticism, just don't get hateful, lol.


( Poetry )

Alright, that's it. If you read it all, it was a long post, I know. But hopefully it was well worth the read.

fin.

So, I have been cleaning my room for I don't even know how long, and it has been really interesting. I am also going through some boxes that have tons of my random stuff in them. Stuff from high school and college. Its funny the things that you can pack away and forget about. I found a computer disk at the bottom of one of the boxes, but couldn't remember what was on it, so I popped it in my computer to see. It was loaded with papers and articles that I had written while I was in college. One that I was happy to see was a research paper that I had done in my English 102 class. It was about how the process of coming out had changed over the past 25 years. I remember being surprised at the time that my teacher had provided that as one of the possibilities of a paper, but happy that I was able to choose a topic that was also comfortable to me.

I ended up getting a "A" on it, so I was proud that I had written something my teacher liked. She wasn't the easiest teacher to impress, and lord knows I have never been the worlds greatest writer. I think the only thing that comes easily to me is poetry, but it is hard to screw that up. Anyway, I decided to post the paper on here for the hell of, in case some of you all get the urge for a little heavier reading from a journal entry.

( Here it is. . . . )

Have fun!

Fin.

Even now...I remember all the empty spaces
You filled with love
Even now...Every corner of the world we shared
Is still filled with love
Even now...not a day goes by
When I don't ache for you
Through my tears I still hear your laughter even now

Stars still shine when they're gone
Hearts that break will still beat on
Letting go's the hardest thing to do
'Cause all those feelings start
And time can't change my heart
It all leads back to you
Even now...you are in my dreams and in my dreams
You always will be
Even now...You're the one true thing that brings my heart
Back home here to me
When I'm scared...I can close my eyes
You are there...Ever young
And somehow, I can always find you even now

From all the memories kept inside
To all the dreams we knew, the rush of you
Will always be a part of me

Even now...you are in my dreams and in my dreams
You always will be
Even now...You're the one true thing that brings my heart
Back home here to me
Even now...In my darkest night
Still you shine silver light
So I fall through forever with you even now

Well guys. . .it certainly has been forever since I have written anything in here. Honestly, nothing interesting seems to happen to me. So be glad that you are even getting this little entry, lol. Just kidding.

Anyway, the main tidbit of info that is the inspiration for this entry is that I have a date on Thursday! Yup, that's right, I finally have a date, hehe. How long has it been? I can't even recall.

I have been talking to this wonderful guy named Silas for a while now, and so far things have been going really well. He is from Bowling Green, really the only downfall that I see to something happening between us. . . . .distance. Who knows though, if things go well enough, I am more than willing to work through the distance. He is actually a little farther away than BG, I think about an hour and a half. That really isn't too terribly far though.

The thought of me going on a date is so funny, having not happened in so long. I just hope I remember how the whole thing works,lol. I think that making conversation will be a little tricky, seeing how i do not know him all that well.

I am excited though, and a tad nervous. Wish me luck everyone!!

Take the quiz: "Your Bedtime Body Language (PICS)(Guys Only)"

Full Fetal
You are vulnerable and sensitive. After all, your guarding your heart. You might cling to a pillow for security. As such, you need assurance that your feelings are reciprocated before you give yourself completely in a relationship.

It's so funny how some things never wear away. It hard to make myself move past things for some reason. I have lost so many good people in my life. I love the time that I got to share with them, and will always cherish it.

Rebecca


Rebecca moves across the world
She’s a scirocco on the sand
She is the Nile that flows forever
Cutting a wound across the land
She’ll be your friend before you know her
She’ll have your trust before it’s earned
But like any nomad she will wander
Breaking the hearts of all concerned

History clouds what we remember
The one you wanted her to be
Mystery shrouds her like an island
But it’s an island in a lonely sea
Oh, Rebecca
Oh, Rebecca

I was thirteen going on forty
Wasting my summer on the beach
Burned on the outside, raw in the middle
That Molly’s just too hard to reach
But Rebecca moved in, she moved me
She was The best friend I’d ever had
And then one day she went away
Didn’t think I’d ever feel that bad

Where did you go?
Why did you lie?
Why did you leave without saying goodbye?
How ‘bout the promise
That you made me?
Was it really so easy to trade me
For another town
Another friend
Another beginning without any end…

So many times I would’ve called you
If I’d had your number in my hand
You were the one I would’ve turned to
When things didn’t go the way I’d planned
I never got a chance to tell you
Things didn’t go the way I’d planned...

History clouds what I remember
The one I wanted her to be
Mystery shrouds her like an island
Does she still remember me?
My life is like a turnstile
So many strangers passing through
There’ve been more than I can number
But I still remember you
Oh, Rebecca
Oh, Rebecca

Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we'd have tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future
But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry
But I can't forget her face
And I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much

And it's open for distruction
you found all the words you need
Well I found nothing
I just grumble
'cause I don't know what to feel

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
.....never leave your heart.....alone

Run for shelter, an umbrella
fights the rain but not the wind
And I'd be silly to start preaching
'cause I don't know which point to make!

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
in a box locked up with cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
.....never leave your heart.....alone

Am I froze?
but it's summer!
Is it rain or is it me?
Yes I'm melting
please be happy
One day soon we might just swim

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
in a box locked up with cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
.....never leave your heart
.....never leave your heart.....alone